I know this feeling, and I remember how much I hate this feeling. It’s kind of like the feeling you get the first day on a new job, or the first day of classes when you’re trying to get accustomed to where the clock is and who’s sitting next to you. It feels normal, but everything is different and you don’t quite know how it will work out. That, my friends, is my life. This feeling sneaks up on me in times of distress, and then all of a sudden I’m looking at a couch in my living room that’s been there for ten years wondering if it’s always been that color or if I’ve just ignored it. I question the stability of everything. Nothing is fixed; everything is in a state of flux, and that’s unsettling in itself regardless of circumstance. This shift happens often enough for me to have thought about it at great length. If one thing is big enough to force me to take a step back, all of a sudden every facet of my life is laid out before me, and I think that things need to shift in order to accomodate the latest dilemma. Something to that effect, anyway; I haven’t quite gotten it figured out yet.
Anyway, I hate how I feel in this flux period because I don’t feel sure of anything, especially my ability to make decisions. To be indecisive when you feel like everything is changing is a really terrible thing, really, but in some way I guess I’m appreciative because I know I’m putting 20 times more thought into a plan than I normally would.
Plan. Yes. I have one, I think, which could change tomorrow or an hour from now. To have a plan, though, is progress, and comforting progress at that.
So: tomorrow I will get all of the remaining information about what it would mean to take a leave of absence from school. If I choose to take the leave, which I believe at this point I will, then I will have to get my mom to agree to some terms.
TERMS OF AGREEMENT:
PREFACE: I, your daughter of twenty years, have been through six solid years of hell. You have been there and understand what said hell entails. I have been forced by different pressures to continue as if nothing has changed, and I’ve decided that I need a break. I need to take some much needed time to heal, get my life in perspective, and get my motivation back. This decision is not easy for me, nor do I think you will find it easy to accept, but I am going to take the rest of the semester off to take care of my physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
1) On Fridays through Mondays, I will take care of the house. You will leave me a list of chores that need to be completed around the house. I will buy ingredients for dinner and will prepare said dinner. You will relax as much as possible.
2) On Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, you will do the housework and I will have leisure time for whatever I please, whether it be productive or not. If you need help with something, I will help you, but I will not spend the day being your slave.
3) On Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights, we will spend at least an hour together doing an activity of your choice.
Other terms may be added to this agreement if both parties involved agree to added terms.
I’m ready for this conversation, but I need the rest of my information first. For now, I ride out the flux.