Impasse.

“What is it that you need?”

I need a set of things that are not possible in these circumstances, which to me isn’t the least bit surprising. What happens when your frivolous wants always seem to be met, but not your needs? I can have anything material that I want in about a second if I really have that much desire for it, but the basic things–the things that make the human experience actually humanistic–are the things I can hardly seem to find.

Right now it boils down to an overload of responsibility and a lack of me to go around. I play so many roles that at the end of the day it’s hard to see who I really am without having to be molded for someone else. At my bedside are a collection of masks that I’m forced to wear on a daily basis depending on whose needs are greatest at the moment. At night, in the dark, I can finally take off the last mask and rest, but in the dark there isn’t a way to see me for me. And at that point, who has the energy? One more mask on the rack. One more day to cross off the calendar.

So, back to the question at hand: what do need? I need to be one person, and I need people to realize that I am one person with limitations and a limited supply of sanity. Let’s take a moment to examine what’s been put on my plate in 2013 thus far:

1. You must find yourself a surgeon because you have two cysts that are burrowing into the area around your tailbone. Do this as soon as possible.
2. You can’t drive because your bum ankle gave out again. You can barely manage getting up and down the stairs. Mobility is limited.
3. Your mother, the head of household, has emotionally checked out and/or has placed her baggage with you for safekeeping. You are expected to be her confidant.
4. You are a college student taking two upper-level Spanish classes, a 400-level Psychology class, and a core curriculum class. Everyone around you expects you to get a 4.0.
5. Your best friend (or at this point, former best friend) won’t talk to you, and you have no idea what you’ve done wrong, but you know that it’s your fault.
MISC: You’re supposed to see a cardiologist about your latest episode of palpitations. You’re also supposed to see a gastroenterologist because you get sick more than anyone should. Your bell choir director contacts you at least once a week to see when you’ll be back. Your work expects you to make up your mind about your current employment by Feb. 5th.
BONUS CHALLENGE: Maintain a healthy relationship with your boyfriend.

I need this plate to disappear. Unrealistic. I need at least one thing on this plate to disappear… and that’s what I’m trying to figure out. There are consequences to dropping each item, yet the stakes seem to be greater if I do nothing. As of right now I’m unable to handle anything due to being entirely overwhelmed, so I exist in some kind of stasis, crying on the occasion that I realize what the hell’s going on.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to continue going to school this semester. My mom isn’t going to get better, my surgery won’t disappear, and my ankle will take at least a month to be strong enough to withstand my driving 40 minutes to school. However, if I stop going to school, I risk screwing up my financial aid, forfeiting my counseling, and making my mother unhappy… not to mention I’d be stuck in this house every day until God knows when.

I can’t win. There is no winning and losing… there is only this pile of shit on a plate, and I can’t throw it away no matter how hard I try. I’m exhausted and depressed and frustrated and barely hanging on to any type of positive emotion, which is sad because I like to think of myself as an optimist. After a certain point, though, it’s just not feasible.

What do I need?

I need a way out.

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One thought on “Impasse.

  1. try to hang in there. i know it’s almost impossible. but try. and you can’t fulfill anyone else’s needs if you’re not taking care of yourself. i know it’s very, very difficult for people who are naturally nurturing, but you have to take care of yourself first. the people who are truly positive forces in your life will understand.

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